The picture I want people to see.
The reality.
I think my third day/milk coming in day of extreme emotion and tearfulness may have arrived a wee bit late. It would appear that maybe I'm having a third week of doom-and-gloom status.
Perhaps the babymoon just wears off sooner with the third babe, or perhaps I've romanticised and glossed over the memories of first few weeks with the boys. But, either way, this week has been hard as.
Don't get me wrong, Mollie is wonderful. She is absolutely delicious, and I am completely smitten.
I am less smitten with her wee belly though, it seems to cause her a lot of pain. And her constant need to suckle (and a slightly lazy latch) is causing my nipples a lot of grief. I fear we might have another reflux baby on our hands, and I'm feeling really sad about it. I'm also feeling guilty about it, like perhaps it is somehow my fault.(That might be the lack of sleep talking though, it is safe to say we're not getting a huge amount of that.)
I'm struggling a little to keep my spirits up, to be honest. The hormones, the lack of sleep, the physical pain, the inability to soothe poor wee Mollie.. it's all wearing me down a bit.
I'm starting to feel the negativity sneaking up on me. I'm having those niggly thoughts about how perhaps I'm not doing my job quite right, and about everything I could/should be doing differently for myself and for the kids. I'm trying my hardest to pish posh it, and push it all out of my mind - reminding myself that it's all rubbish and that 'this too shall pass'. But it's hard work, ya know?
Anyway. That's enough of that. I'm not huge on talking about my feelings, but I needed to get that out. I feel like I need a bit of lady-love surrounding me at the moment - even if you are all too far away to pop round for a cuppa.
I think my third day/milk coming in day of extreme emotion and tearfulness may have arrived a wee bit late. It would appear that maybe I'm having a third week of doom-and-gloom status.
Perhaps the babymoon just wears off sooner with the third babe, or perhaps I've romanticised and glossed over the memories of first few weeks with the boys. But, either way, this week has been hard as.
Don't get me wrong, Mollie is wonderful. She is absolutely delicious, and I am completely smitten.
I am less smitten with her wee belly though, it seems to cause her a lot of pain. And her constant need to suckle (and a slightly lazy latch) is causing my nipples a lot of grief. I fear we might have another reflux baby on our hands, and I'm feeling really sad about it. I'm also feeling guilty about it, like perhaps it is somehow my fault.(That might be the lack of sleep talking though, it is safe to say we're not getting a huge amount of that.)
I'm struggling a little to keep my spirits up, to be honest. The hormones, the lack of sleep, the physical pain, the inability to soothe poor wee Mollie.. it's all wearing me down a bit.
I'm starting to feel the negativity sneaking up on me. I'm having those niggly thoughts about how perhaps I'm not doing my job quite right, and about everything I could/should be doing differently for myself and for the kids. I'm trying my hardest to pish posh it, and push it all out of my mind - reminding myself that it's all rubbish and that 'this too shall pass'. But it's hard work, ya know?
Anyway. That's enough of that. I'm not huge on talking about my feelings, but I needed to get that out. I feel like I need a bit of lady-love surrounding me at the moment - even if you are all too far away to pop round for a cuppa.
We'll be back to smooshy baby pictures and crafty stuff next week, promise xx
Oh no. Reflux. I think I would have very similar feelings if our next one were to be diagnosed with reflux again. Audrey was diagnosed with severe reflux (and indeed still has not fully grown out of it). I kind of knew that she had it before she was properly diagnosed, but I tried to ignore it... as if I ignored it then her reflux wouldn't exist. I felt like it was my fault. Then of course I felt guilty for not getting her diagnosed sooner. I cried and cried and cried.
ReplyDeleteAnd reflux babies are hard.
You're not alone. And it's okay to cry too. Let it out and let it go so you can pick up and carry on.
If I was closer I'd definitely stop by for a cuppa.
xo
I am with you...I'm totally with you. Had a little teary time even, cos I am SO there, albeit a week later!
ReplyDeleteMollie (and the boys) is lucky that you care so much and can be so honest and recognize your feelings. It is hard to feel like you're doing a good job and sometimes you just need so badly to be told that you are.
I'll come for a cuppa when you and Ms Addi move Whakatane to where Auckland is!
x
Ps. new tattoos all round? :)
Oh honey. I wish I could come over and hold her for a bit and let you have a cuppa and a snooze. I remember those days. I won't bore you with the state of my poor boobies - gah! So proud of you for recognising and admitting that you're feeling a bit crap - getting it out there is half the battle. SO much wiser than pretending everything is sweet as. You are such a great lady and mama! I hope Miss Mollie's little tum settles down real soon. Love and hugs xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI DO know how you feel. To be honest, adorable and sweet and soft as newborns are, I find that stage the hardest to cope with. The utter loss of independence, the constant neediness of this new little person, and the reality of sleep deprivation (which has such MAJOR effects on mood), it's all SO much to cope with at once. And now, even though it's already much easier, I still have really off days, esp. when Garland HAS NOT SLEPT AT ALL (he's a way worse sleeper than E was...).
ReplyDeleteSO MUCH LOVE to you Rhiannon! Wish I was there to be your maid/baby holder while you got some sleep - and I sincerely hope that you find a someone to do that for you soon! The world always seems a little brighter when you've had enough sleep x
This stage while amazing is so so hard. Three weeks is when the damn reflux raised its ugly head. I've had four reflux babies so I feel your pain. I did give Annie rose some meds from the doctor, and it helped a lot. Might have been losec
ReplyDeleteaww isnt she a dish! truly really hon, dont beat yourself up - third time is hard (4th time is a kick in goulies - if i had them)...but it does pass, and if the reflux thing is a reality, you so have done it beofre, and can do it again...Tiredness is a nasty spirit snatcher - but look at what you have done so far! Amazing!! You are made to be this wee lasses Mama, you ARE clever and kind and courageous and brave. Bless you this week. x
ReplyDeleteoh my dear, i had a reflux baby, and it's really really hard, especially when you have sleep deprivation, agony boobs and other children to try and be considerate of, when your tiny new one is in pain and crying and not gaining weight. You certainly have a big challenge. My girl ended up on a very low dose of losec for about 6 months; it helped us tremendously. It was such a low dose that we still had to elevate her bed and use a dummy,and still couldn't let her cry more than a couple of minutes.... but the pain seemed a lot less for her as she could actually sleep reasonably well and feed in small amounts. Tomorrow is another day, and the next and the next, you are doing so well, to even be here talking bout your feelings. Good luck with everything. x
ReplyDeleteHi lovely Rhiannon. I so enjoy your blog - your 'warts and all' honesty is very refreshing and courageous. I hope that you are feeling a bit better and sending good thoughts and love your way. You are a fabulous mother, that so comes through in everything you write, and your little ones are very lucky. Take care of yourself and know that lots of people are thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteBeing a mama is hard. Some days/weeks/months, it is harder than others. You're doing a wonderful, wonderful job. Your children are healthy and nourished, body and soul. Your love for them shines through everything you write here. Happy Mother's Day to you, beautiful lady. Keep on keeping on :)
ReplyDeleteI hear you! I was similar around 3-4 weeks with my second. It got heaps easier, really quickly. I also thought (with a pounding heart) that my second had reflux like my first. Turns out he doesn't, he just took a few weeks to adjust to my fast flowing milk. I tried 'posture feeding' and carrying him in the ergo or hug a bub upright a lot, and it seemed to help until he was able to control the flow/sucking himself.
ReplyDeleteAnd what a huge surge of hormones and change you have to contend with! Be gentle with yourself, ask for help, take deep breaths. It will get easier, promise!
love to you lady. anytime you need an understanding ear (or eyes to read??) I'm here. we all are. xxx
ReplyDeleteawww man, mine were all refluxly, my third the absolute worst of all of them and we both cried, ALOT.
ReplyDeleteSo hard.
Don't let guilt in. Just robs you of any joy and it's a BIG FAT LIAR, so much easier said than done though I know. XO
Sending love and positive thoughts your way! & ditto to what Kristin said =o)
ReplyDeleteI too never had those 3 day blues but can remember about week 3 bursting into tears on my midwife and telling her beautiful as my baby was it was all too hard and I wasn't sure I could do it all. It's hard enough looking after yourself and baby the 1st time but I think it's even harder when you have older kids who still need you, a household that still needs running and a baby who wants to be held a lot. Sending you virtual cups of tea and hoping Mollie's wee tummy settles soon
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love and positive thoughts. Your words ring so true to me at the moment. Although my little one is 12 weeks old its still so HARD. So many doubts in my mind and I just want to do the right thing, if I knew what that was! Anyway, thank you for sharing your feelings as it helps to know it's not just me. Its an exercise in surrender I think, repeatedly surrendering. And eating lots of chocolate seems to help too :)
ReplyDeleteNawww sweet petal, I so hear you! I think we often feel like this, just when most of our support tends to dissapear. It dosen't matter how many babes we've had, it is still bloody hard and sometimes I kinda think people tend to perhaps not offer as much support because you've 'done it all before'? My boobs/ nipples were total pains (literally) with Ginny, and she still wakes up at least 3 times a night.....16months later! Grrrrr. For me the boobies were the hardest thing to cope with..dread of her next feed/ the warieness that that horrid pain brings, not cool!
ReplyDeleteI can't offer you a magic cure & giant cuddle/ cuppa tea, but I can send you my thoughts of love & Light. Also, like Tessa an up-right position was great, strap that poppet to your mama bossom! xoxoxox Big loves
Aww, I'm so sorry things are hard for you at the moment. You are clearly a wonderful and lovely Mum, I am sending you good fellow-mum-to-3 vibes and I hope things improve soon. You already know this, but those hard newborn times will be behind you before too long.
ReplyDeleteBig Huge Love. You're amazing. xxxxxx
ReplyDeleteoh, friend. it is SO rough, you are wise to acknowledge your reality at the moment.
ReplyDeletehowever, you know it's no accident that Mollie was given to YOU. because you are wise, and strong and have so much love in you to get you both through this season. you're doing so great.
XO
(and again, i'd really, really recommend taking her to an osteo if at all possible)
Sending you a huge big hug. I think we do have higher expectations on ourselves the more kids we have as we think we should have everything 'sorted' by the time 3 or 4 or even #5 come around!! Is IS hard though, those first weeks and it is still such very early days for you and beautiful, beautiful Mollie - (perfect name by the way!!!!!!) as Dee said I would fully recommend an osteo - they can work amazing wonders with refluxy babes. Bless you my dear... you are the perfect Mama for your daughter and she is blessed to have you.
ReplyDeletexx
I wish more people would be honest! I was already wondering how tyou got so much sewing done, when I feel like I spend all day doing nothing but feeding the kids ( the big ones, as little mr is a fussy feeder, and fights the breast, I'm obviuously doing something wong!), and wiping bums, covered in spew and milk.... You are doing so well, and yet for me despite all the support I have this time round I still have moments of feeling like I'm the only one in the world to feel like this. ! She will get older and this too will pass.
ReplyDelete